Ten Things Nosy ‘Pak’ers Love To Ask
Ever get riled up by busybodies asking annoying questions to ‘place’ people in their social world? Well, here are some conveniently snappy answers we wish we could respond with (you might even get away with some of them if you did; sarcasm is often lost on the unwitting):
Q 1. Have you ‘found’ anyone eligible yet?
Ans: “Yes (enter Mashallah), I’ve won the marriage lottery! S/he’s (enter Mashallah) loaded and only (enter Mashallah) thrice divorced.”
Q 2. ‘Who’ is your father?
Ans: “He is Mian/Chaudhry (enter name) and owns (enter name of mill/bank).”
Q 3. What does your husband ‘do?’
Ans: See #2
Q 4. What ‘village’ are you from?
Ans: (It doesn’t matter if you’ve never seen cow-dung in real life, you have to name the villages your grandparents lived in pre and post Partition). To be cheeky: “I’m from Greenwich Village.”
Q 5. ‘Who’ is your family/are your in-laws?
Ans: To be answered with the name of a steel, ghee or textile mill as a prefix and adding ‘walla’ as a suffix (especially if you’re a Karachiite); e.g. “You must have heard of the Steelwallas.”
Q 6. (To the spouse/offspring of affluent industrialists/corrupt politicos): So what do you ‘do’ all day?
Ans: “I spend money and pretend to work.”
Q 7. (When gossiping) What’s their ‘background?’
Ans: Provide synopsis of said person’s birth, ethnicity and ancestry, political and romantic scandals, education and career achievements and, especially, failures.
Q 8. ‘Who’ are your friends?
Ans: Name anyone famous or infamous, preferably several years younger so you appear more youthful by association. Should preferably feature in Pakistan’s Top 20 richest families list.
Q 9. What’s his/her ‘scene?’
Ans: A read-between-the-lines synopsis of the said person’s lifestyle and romantic status, like “she’s very outgoing (i.e. skanky) and “she’s on the hunt for someone loaded” (i.e. a golddigger) OR “he hasn’t had a serious relationship” (i.e. he’s probably gay) and “they used to be very rich” (i.e. he has no money of his own).
Q 10. Where is your accent from? Amrika? Ing-land? Canayda?
Ans: “I learned to fake it at a call centre” or “I’m an RJ at FM89.”