Fifty Shades of BS

(Note: This was written on a whim without double checking the terms, expressions and context).

OK—so I haven’t finished reading the first book (it’s my 3^rd attempt, still trying to figure out what all the buzz is about). The protagonist is more klutzy than Bella, more humble than Jane Eyre, and more of a loser than any heroine in history. And of course, she’s naturally beautiful and blissfully unaware of it, can’t walk in heels, is hopeless at shopping and wearing make-up. Yawn.

So just in the first 1/3 of the first book, the author has given herself away multiple times as a Brit trying to write as an American. Fast forward the freaky S&M antics and you get words jumping out at you, like someone’s sitting in London writing as an American to get a bigger readership (oops and that’s just what’s happening--and it worked). 

I don’t write anything mean, but EL James is tremendously successful and, well, it couldn’t hurt for her editor and agent to pay a little more attention when proofreading. 

Here’s where they could start:

• “Studies” (instead of course work)
• “Excellent results” (instead of good grades or scores)
• “I hadn’t reckoned on this” (reckoned!!! Oh C’mon, that’s too easy!)
• “Pj pants”  (seriously?)
• "It’s a lovely day" (again, lovely???!)
• Christian saying “Gotta love Bruce” (Er no one says that, it’s trying way too hard. If anyone did, they'd refer to Springsteen as 'the Boss')
• “Packet” (for package or bag)
• “Dreadful” (here we go again)

Other giveaways: 

• Hyphens (so many regular words are hyphenated for pronunciation, as if they’re stage directions for us to enunciate better)
• Hating American coffee (i.e. her typically Brit side), and liking her English tea “weak” and “black” (as in how Americans incorrectly drink tea as perceived by tea-drinking nations)
• Likes classics in English literature (Anglophile)
• Christian likes Euro soccer (Anglophile even if it isn't called football)

(Don’t worry, EL; I’ve read enough Regencies to feel even more pain when amateurs try to write as Brits and so many Americanisms slip by the editors. And get published. Sigh...). C'mon eds, do your job!