Fifty Shades of BS

(Note: This was written on a whim without double checking the terms, expressions and context).

OK—so I haven’t finished reading the first book (it’s my 3^rd attempt, still trying to figure out what all the buzz is about). The protagonist is more klutzy than Bella, more humble than Jane Eyre, and more of a loser than any heroine in history. And of course, she’s naturally beautiful and blissfully unaware of it, can’t walk in heels, is hopeless at shopping and wearing make-up. Yawn.

So just in the first 1/3 of the first book, the author has given herself away multiple times as a Brit trying to write as an American. Fast forward the freaky S&M antics and you get words jumping out at you, like someone’s sitting in London writing as an American to get a bigger readership (oops and that’s just what’s happening--and it worked). 

I don’t write anything mean, but EL James is tremendously successful and, well, it couldn’t hurt for her editor and agent to pay a little more attention when proofreading. 

Here’s where they could start:

• “Studies” (instead of course work)
• “Excellent results” (instead of good grades or scores)
• “I hadn’t reckoned on this” (reckoned!!! Oh C’mon, that’s too easy!)
• “Pj pants”  (seriously?)
• "It’s a lovely day" (again, lovely???!)
• Christian saying “Gotta love Bruce” (Er no one says that, it’s trying way too hard. If anyone did, they'd refer to Springsteen as 'the Boss')
• “Packet” (for package or bag)
• “Dreadful” (here we go again)

Other giveaways: 

• Hyphens (so many regular words are hyphenated for pronunciation, as if they’re stage directions for us to enunciate better)
• Hating American coffee (i.e. her typically Brit side), and liking her English tea “weak” and “black” (as in how Americans incorrectly drink tea as perceived by tea-drinking nations)
• Likes classics in English literature (Anglophile)
• Christian likes Euro soccer (Anglophile even if it isn't called football)

(Don’t worry, EL; I’ve read enough Regencies to feel even more pain when amateurs try to write as Brits and so many Americanisms slip by the editors. And get published. Sigh...). C'mon eds, do your job!

For 'hate' commenters who diligently read blogs & comment even if they claim to dislike the content :D

http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/3784/hate-commenter-why-are-you-reading-this/
(Written in reaction to some of the ridiculous comments that bloggers get on the Tribune)

Hate commenter: Why are you reading this?

January 9, 2011

Go on, close your window. Yes, you. The one who’s going to post hateful anonymous commentsabout how all this is a waste of time and how this publication is printing trash and the writer is representing mindless elitists whose only interest is in indulging themselves and not caring about human tragedies and natural disasters.

Yes, you, who takes the time and effort to read all of what is on the ‘Life & Style’ and ‘Gossip’ sections and then refuses to comprehend satire, misunderstands sarcasm, and wastes office working hours on reading ludicrous items like this instead of engaging in philanthropic work and visiting NGO blogs. Go on, close your window.

You didn’t, did you? You’re still reading this. You’re very stubborn. I hope that one day you’ll be able to appreciate that making fun of ourselves and being able to laugh at ourselves isn’t such a bad thing. And that laughter is the best medicine (I wasn’t being sarcastic here).

This is hardly a guilty pleasure. Neither is this yet another earnest monologue on the country’s dismal political economy with lots of hyphenated, complex words thrown in for good measure and written in a loquacious manner to demonstrate the author as an intellectual. Loquacious means long-winded, by the way (yes, that’s ironic, very good).

There seem to be way too many people writing about the same things and thinking the same things and doing as little as the next person. I’m just concentrating on making people smile and perhaps raising an eyebrow or two. If I haven’t, then I’m sorry, but I’m glad you’ve read it anyway.

You hated reading this and now you’d really like to post a comment, wouldn’t you?