SPOOF: TimeOut Pakistan

LightsOut

Pakistan

Your guide to what's happening in the most exciting cities on the planet

(Note: this is a satiric depiction spoofing a fictitious TimeOut guide to Pakistan. Content is meant for entertainment purposes only).

TOURS

·      The Wonders of 21^st century Pakistan is a new tour designed for visitors who want more authenticity in their visits. Highlights: photo ops at famous terrorism sites around the country.

WORKSHOPS

·      Sizes Gym offers a Go Ninja special; learn martial arts moves while wearing a niqab in 120 degree heat without airconditioning. Guaranteed to sweat off several kilos per session.

·      SLUM offers an Executive MBA Program in ‘Red Tape Wheeling & Dealing’ with courses including ‘How to get things done: from a telephone complaint to registering an FIR and running for an election.’

·      SMEDA Career Choices for Housewives 101 this month features the Darzi to Designer workshop, addressing the logistics of poaching tailors, getting your name recognized as a couture fashion house, and launching the country’s Fashion Week in smaller cities like Gwadar and Sargodha.

NIGHTLIFE

·      The new bulletproof dome at Husni Mubarak Stadium (the recently renamed Qaddafi stadium) promises bigger and better will host Lahore’s upcoming black tie events, including the previously banned Basant night with a backdrop of inflatable kites and a dancefloor that covers the stadium green.

·      A new cricket-themed Blahria Casino is being planned at Blahria Town that will offer bets and match fixing auctions in addition to poker and slot machines.

·      Pakistan’s bootleggers offer an authentic Prohibition-era experience to make clients feel part of a mafia movie set in 1930s Chicago.

HOTELS

·      The Far Seasons Hotel Lahore offers a 360-degree holographic view of Fashion TV on its lobby walls for all the mustachioed voluminous white shawlar kameez wearing lounge lizards.

·      Karachi’s Luxury French Shoe Beach Resort has a new shipload of surplus gray cement to add to its pristine dunes next to the scenic, oily waves of the ocean.

EVENTS

·      Rayal Asscut Horse Racing at the Lahore Race Club in Koth Lakhpat shows Lahore racing culture at it’s finest. Visitors at the all-male venue may place bets and are encouraged to wear large, festive pagris in the colours of QEII’s Ascot hats.

LEISURE/GAMING

·      If you’ve ever played Spot the ‘ho at Dubai hotel lobbies, you can play Spot the fundo in Pakistan. Hint: some of the bearded guys are harmless, while some clean-shaven corporate types have hidden inner ‘daaris.’

HEALTH

·      Visit local medics who employ kala jadoo, a holistic process involving eggs, hair strands and green chillies. The process is currently being followed at leading psychiatric hospitals worldwide to treat what was once considered as schizophrenia and is now called ‘buri nazar.’

SPOOF: Lonely Planet's Pakistan Travel Guide

sad planet

Presents

Pakistan Travel Guide

“The Most Exciting Country In The World”--Newsweak

Written by clueless boho backpackers

(Note: This is a satiric depiction spoofing Lonely Planet’s guide to Pakistan. Content is fictitious and meant for entertainment purposes only).

Pakistan is an intoxicating mix of contradictory elements, wonderful double standards and razor sharp narrow mindedness blended with ostentatious liberalism, from its feudal roots to its populous cities, amid a backdrop of delightful traditions. Whether you get on a rollicking mini-bus or wagon ride hanging for dear life whilst taking in the dubious essence of your fellow commuters, or commute the lethargic Pakistani way by hiring a non-uniformed driver who doesn’t show up on time and has to attend family weddings and funerals on a weekly basis, do not miss this opportunity to experience the land of gassy buffaloes, wild marijuana, electricity that comes and goes faster than a disco strobe, and wonderfully hospitable people who pretend they haven’t met you the next day.

·      50 detailed and easy-to-use maps provided by the Eye S Eye that include the entire Indian province of Kashmir as part of Pakistan

·      Bonus activities chapter details the best khokas for experiencing tempting, food-poisoning-is-worth-it roadside snacks, the water sport festival at Lahore’s canal bank and D.I.Y. mehndi dance choreography to impress your friends back home

·      Full-colour sections of Pakistan’s highlights and best nightlife including a guide to which parties to crash

·      Special section on Pakistan’s biggest society events that require metal detectors

·      Tips for finding the best accommodation for people watching in Pakistan

SPOOF: Giggle news search results for Pakistan (satire)...because laughter is the best medicine

Giggle News Search Results for Pakistan

Laaleen Khan

Have you ever wondered how people would react if Google turned into one big spoof for a day, like The Onion http://www.theonion.com/ , Roznama Jawani http://www.roznamajawani.com/ or Maila Times http://mailatimes.com/ ? While satirical items create laughter and raise eyebrows, they invariably also cause earnest minded readers to gape and completely fail to identify the irony, hence the reason for this disclaimer:

Warning: if you think self-deprecating humour is unpatriotic, please do not continue reading.

Here is a Giggle News search result for “Pakistan:”

For 'hate' commenters who diligently read blogs & comment even if they claim to dislike the content :D

http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/3784/hate-commenter-why-are-you-reading-this/
(Written in reaction to some of the ridiculous comments that bloggers get on the Tribune)

Hate commenter: Why are you reading this?

January 9, 2011

Go on, close your window. Yes, you. The one who’s going to post hateful anonymous commentsabout how all this is a waste of time and how this publication is printing trash and the writer is representing mindless elitists whose only interest is in indulging themselves and not caring about human tragedies and natural disasters.

Yes, you, who takes the time and effort to read all of what is on the ‘Life & Style’ and ‘Gossip’ sections and then refuses to comprehend satire, misunderstands sarcasm, and wastes office working hours on reading ludicrous items like this instead of engaging in philanthropic work and visiting NGO blogs. Go on, close your window.

You didn’t, did you? You’re still reading this. You’re very stubborn. I hope that one day you’ll be able to appreciate that making fun of ourselves and being able to laugh at ourselves isn’t such a bad thing. And that laughter is the best medicine (I wasn’t being sarcastic here).

This is hardly a guilty pleasure. Neither is this yet another earnest monologue on the country’s dismal political economy with lots of hyphenated, complex words thrown in for good measure and written in a loquacious manner to demonstrate the author as an intellectual. Loquacious means long-winded, by the way (yes, that’s ironic, very good).

There seem to be way too many people writing about the same things and thinking the same things and doing as little as the next person. I’m just concentrating on making people smile and perhaps raising an eyebrow or two. If I haven’t, then I’m sorry, but I’m glad you’ve read it anyway.

You hated reading this and now you’d really like to post a comment, wouldn’t you?

Are You A Playa? QUIZ

Are you a player?

http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/3321/are-you-a-player/

Men who remain commitment-phobic for too long and have a relatively high success rate with women often continue bachelor lifestyles (whether married or not!) into their middle and even twilight years.

With the right amount of energy, money, and zest for life, today’s desi ‘cheap-mions’ can become the Hugh Hefners of tomorrow. If you think you are destined to stay forever ‘young’ while dressed in a brocade robe, answer the following questions and see where you rate on the playboy scale:

1) Exes from your younger days are now the mothers of:

A  Babies

B  Teenagers

C  Grown men and women

2) Your pick-up line on women is:

A  Babe, you’re smokkkin’

B  Babyyy, you’re sooo hot

C  Beebee you are gaargeous

3) The music you play in your car when you’re driving a bevy of beauties to a party:

A  Euro pop

B  80s remixes

C  The Bee Gees

4) The music playing in your car when it’s just you and your driver:

A  Bollywood remixes

B  Qawalis

C  Ghazals

5) The biggest insult you ever received in your life was:

A  “Are you ‘a’ gay?”

B  “Excuse me, uncle.”

C  “Aap to buzurg hain.”

6) The closest you ever got to marriage was when:

A  You got engaged to your cousin without telling your girlfriend(s)

B  Your family proposed to the daughter of a family friend while you were away in college living with your blonde girlfriend

C  You sent a rishta to a girl that you’d been following around for years and, when you finally got the chance to speak to her on the day of your haan, realized you didn’t like her teeth

7) When online, you tend to frequent:

A  Facebook where you are listed as “interested in women” and have tried to add 1,800 friends of friends’ friends that you’ve never met

B  Your male friends’ lame forwarded jokes/porn

C  Nothing—you refuse to wear your reading glasses

8) The last thing you did to your hair was:

A  Spike, tease, and infuse it with several metrosexual hair products

B  A not-too-subtle hair weave

C  Blow-drying your long tresses over your bald spots ala Donald Trump

9) Your all-time favourite cellphone ringtone is:

A  P.I.M.P. (50 Cent)

B  Highway to the Danger Zone (Top Gun)

C  Forever Young (the original version)

10) You claim that the movie character you relate to best is:

A  Sonny Corleone (James Caan in The Godfather)

B  Michael Corleone (Al Pacino in The Godfather)

C  Don Corleone (Marlon Brando in The Godfather)

11) But the character you secretly empathize with is portrayed by:

A  Chris Kattan in A Night at the Roxbury

B  Jack Black in Shallow Hal

C  Steve Martin in Father of the Bride

THE PLAYBOY SCALE Mostly As: Pimpin’ Playa! You’re quite a player with the ladies and adept at juggling different women from different cities. You are proud of your little black book, now worn at the edges. You try to appear mature to older women so that they take you seriously, not realizing that you’re just a boy toy for them. Girls from your own age group are often too predictable for your adventurous spirit as you get bored easily and don’t want to commit. Women of all ages appreciate your effortless charm, your full head of hair, and your relatively flat stomach. You love your partying ways too much to settle down unless your family actually forces you to get rehab. Mostly Bs: Ageing Playboy! You have already gone through, or are currently experiencing, a midlife crisis, so chances are that you replace your flashy car with newer and flashier models whenever you can afford it, not to mention younger and flashier female models on your arm whenever you can afford them. Your younger lady friends snidely refer to you as ‘Uncle’ when you’re not around. Once amongst the most eligible bachelors in society, the only twenty-somethings interested in you now have more of an eye for your fiscal worth rather than your physical worth. You don’t look twice at women your own age or even ten years younger as they are ‘not your type.’ Mostly Cs: Geriatric Casanova! You are now partying with your grandchildren’s generation and gyrating those replaced hips better than many younger men on the dance floor. You continue to attract attention among women, whom you claim have been throwing themselves at you for these last fifty years. It must be the fascinating stories that you repeatedly tell them that they keep coming back to hear. Your decadence has caught up with you but you refuse to become a decrepit old man and instead opt to be an evergreen Lothario with jet black hair. If you’ve lasted this long on the scene, there must be something truly special about you.