10 things nosy 'pak'ers love to ask

http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/9742/10-things-nosy-‘pak’ers-love-to-ask/

Ten Things Nosy ‘Pak’ers Love To Ask

Laaleen Khan

Ever get riled up by busybodies asking annoying questions to ‘place’ people in their social world? Well, here are some conveniently snappy answers we wish we could respond with (you might even get away with some of them if you did; sarcasm is often lost on the unwitting):

Q 1. Have you ‘found’ anyone eligible yet?

Ans: “Yes (enter Mashallah), I’ve won the marriage lottery! S/he’s (enter Mashallah) loaded and only (enter Mashallah) thrice divorced.”

Q 2. ‘Who’ is your father?

Ans: “He is Mian/Chaudhry (enter name) and owns (enter name of mill/bank).”

Q 3. What does your husband ‘do?’

Ans: See #2

Q 4. What ‘village’ are you from?

Ans: (It doesn’t matter if you’ve never seen cow-dung in real life, you have to name the villages your grandparents lived in pre and post Partition). To be cheeky: “I’m from Greenwich Village.”

Q 5. ‘Who’ is your family/are your in-laws?

Ans: To be answered with the name of a steel, ghee or textile mill as a prefix and adding ‘walla’ as a suffix (especially if you’re a Karachiite); e.g. “You must have heard of the Steelwallas.”

Q 6. (To the spouse/offspring of affluent industrialists/corrupt politicos): So what do you ‘do’ all day?

Ans: “I spend money and pretend to work.”

Q 7. (When gossiping) What’s their ‘background?’

Ans: Provide synopsis of said person’s birth, ethnicity and ancestry, political and romantic scandals, education and career achievements and, especially, failures.

Q 8. ‘Who’ are your friends?

Ans: Name anyone famous or infamous, preferably several years younger so you appear more youthful by association. Should preferably feature in Pakistan’s Top 20 richest families list.

Q 9. What’s his/her ‘scene?’

Ans: A read-between-the-lines synopsis of the said person’s lifestyle and romantic status, like “she’s very outgoing (i.e. skanky) and “she’s on the hunt for someone loaded” (i.e. a golddigger) OR “he hasn’t had a serious relationship” (i.e. he’s probably gay) and “they used to be very rich” (i.e. he has no money of his own).

Q 10. Where is your accent from? Amrika? Ing-land? Canayda?

Ans: “I learned to fake it at a call centre” or “I’m an RJ at FM89.”

Music Video 'Alu Anday:' Sardonic Schoolboys with a Message

Alu Anday: Sardonic Schoolboys with a Message

Laaleen Khan

http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/8637/alu-anday-sardonic-schoolboys-with-a-message/

This song actually has very little to do with potatoes and eggs despite ‘Alu Anday’ as its title and part of its chorus.

Baygairat Brigade’s indie music video is ideally positioned for the social media community. It’s creative, funny, and unique; ideal traits for going viral (and it has).

Alu Anday starts off with quirky dork-humour: the trio transforms their geeky glasses and school uniforms to a punk-rock-meets-boy-band style complete with loosened ties, childish face paint and plenty of kooky behaviour. That is, until the urban Lahori slang-infused lyrics convey a darker sociopolitical reality (eg.“Where Qadri is treated like a hero”) along with cheeky placards held by the ‘Baygairats’ in various parts of the video (eg. “Tehreek-i-Insaaf = Good-looking Jamaat-i-Islami”).

And the Alu Anday? They were the contents of the boys’ lunch boxes that disgusted them in the opening scenes of the video. The Baigharats ended up jeering about a lot more than the stinky lunch that their Ammis had prepared for them; it seems the stench of sociopolitical hypocrisy is more unbearable than soggy, eggy potatoes.

SPOOF: TimeOut Pakistan

LightsOut

Pakistan

Your guide to what's happening in the most exciting cities on the planet

(Note: this is a satiric depiction spoofing a fictitious TimeOut guide to Pakistan. Content is meant for entertainment purposes only).

TOURS

·      The Wonders of 21^st century Pakistan is a new tour designed for visitors who want more authenticity in their visits. Highlights: photo ops at famous terrorism sites around the country.

WORKSHOPS

·      Sizes Gym offers a Go Ninja special; learn martial arts moves while wearing a niqab in 120 degree heat without airconditioning. Guaranteed to sweat off several kilos per session.

·      SLUM offers an Executive MBA Program in ‘Red Tape Wheeling & Dealing’ with courses including ‘How to get things done: from a telephone complaint to registering an FIR and running for an election.’

·      SMEDA Career Choices for Housewives 101 this month features the Darzi to Designer workshop, addressing the logistics of poaching tailors, getting your name recognized as a couture fashion house, and launching the country’s Fashion Week in smaller cities like Gwadar and Sargodha.

NIGHTLIFE

·      The new bulletproof dome at Husni Mubarak Stadium (the recently renamed Qaddafi stadium) promises bigger and better will host Lahore’s upcoming black tie events, including the previously banned Basant night with a backdrop of inflatable kites and a dancefloor that covers the stadium green.

·      A new cricket-themed Blahria Casino is being planned at Blahria Town that will offer bets and match fixing auctions in addition to poker and slot machines.

·      Pakistan’s bootleggers offer an authentic Prohibition-era experience to make clients feel part of a mafia movie set in 1930s Chicago.

HOTELS

·      The Far Seasons Hotel Lahore offers a 360-degree holographic view of Fashion TV on its lobby walls for all the mustachioed voluminous white shawlar kameez wearing lounge lizards.

·      Karachi’s Luxury French Shoe Beach Resort has a new shipload of surplus gray cement to add to its pristine dunes next to the scenic, oily waves of the ocean.

EVENTS

·      Rayal Asscut Horse Racing at the Lahore Race Club in Koth Lakhpat shows Lahore racing culture at it’s finest. Visitors at the all-male venue may place bets and are encouraged to wear large, festive pagris in the colours of QEII’s Ascot hats.

LEISURE/GAMING

·      If you’ve ever played Spot the ‘ho at Dubai hotel lobbies, you can play Spot the fundo in Pakistan. Hint: some of the bearded guys are harmless, while some clean-shaven corporate types have hidden inner ‘daaris.’

HEALTH

·      Visit local medics who employ kala jadoo, a holistic process involving eggs, hair strands and green chillies. The process is currently being followed at leading psychiatric hospitals worldwide to treat what was once considered as schizophrenia and is now called ‘buri nazar.’

SPOOF: Lonely Planet's Pakistan Travel Guide

sad planet

Presents

Pakistan Travel Guide

“The Most Exciting Country In The World”--Newsweak

Written by clueless boho backpackers

(Note: This is a satiric depiction spoofing Lonely Planet’s guide to Pakistan. Content is fictitious and meant for entertainment purposes only).

Pakistan is an intoxicating mix of contradictory elements, wonderful double standards and razor sharp narrow mindedness blended with ostentatious liberalism, from its feudal roots to its populous cities, amid a backdrop of delightful traditions. Whether you get on a rollicking mini-bus or wagon ride hanging for dear life whilst taking in the dubious essence of your fellow commuters, or commute the lethargic Pakistani way by hiring a non-uniformed driver who doesn’t show up on time and has to attend family weddings and funerals on a weekly basis, do not miss this opportunity to experience the land of gassy buffaloes, wild marijuana, electricity that comes and goes faster than a disco strobe, and wonderfully hospitable people who pretend they haven’t met you the next day.

·      50 detailed and easy-to-use maps provided by the Eye S Eye that include the entire Indian province of Kashmir as part of Pakistan

·      Bonus activities chapter details the best khokas for experiencing tempting, food-poisoning-is-worth-it roadside snacks, the water sport festival at Lahore’s canal bank and D.I.Y. mehndi dance choreography to impress your friends back home

·      Full-colour sections of Pakistan’s highlights and best nightlife including a guide to which parties to crash

·      Special section on Pakistan’s biggest society events that require metal detectors

·      Tips for finding the best accommodation for people watching in Pakistan

SPOOF: Giggle news search results for Pakistan (satire)...because laughter is the best medicine

Giggle News Search Results for Pakistan

Laaleen Khan

Have you ever wondered how people would react if Google turned into one big spoof for a day, like The Onion http://www.theonion.com/ , Roznama Jawani http://www.roznamajawani.com/ or Maila Times http://mailatimes.com/ ? While satirical items create laughter and raise eyebrows, they invariably also cause earnest minded readers to gape and completely fail to identify the irony, hence the reason for this disclaimer:

Warning: if you think self-deprecating humour is unpatriotic, please do not continue reading.

Here is a Giggle News search result for “Pakistan:”

For 'hate' commenters who diligently read blogs & comment even if they claim to dislike the content :D

http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/3784/hate-commenter-why-are-you-reading-this/
(Written in reaction to some of the ridiculous comments that bloggers get on the Tribune)

Hate commenter: Why are you reading this?

January 9, 2011

Go on, close your window. Yes, you. The one who’s going to post hateful anonymous commentsabout how all this is a waste of time and how this publication is printing trash and the writer is representing mindless elitists whose only interest is in indulging themselves and not caring about human tragedies and natural disasters.

Yes, you, who takes the time and effort to read all of what is on the ‘Life & Style’ and ‘Gossip’ sections and then refuses to comprehend satire, misunderstands sarcasm, and wastes office working hours on reading ludicrous items like this instead of engaging in philanthropic work and visiting NGO blogs. Go on, close your window.

You didn’t, did you? You’re still reading this. You’re very stubborn. I hope that one day you’ll be able to appreciate that making fun of ourselves and being able to laugh at ourselves isn’t such a bad thing. And that laughter is the best medicine (I wasn’t being sarcastic here).

This is hardly a guilty pleasure. Neither is this yet another earnest monologue on the country’s dismal political economy with lots of hyphenated, complex words thrown in for good measure and written in a loquacious manner to demonstrate the author as an intellectual. Loquacious means long-winded, by the way (yes, that’s ironic, very good).

There seem to be way too many people writing about the same things and thinking the same things and doing as little as the next person. I’m just concentrating on making people smile and perhaps raising an eyebrow or two. If I haven’t, then I’m sorry, but I’m glad you’ve read it anyway.

You hated reading this and now you’d really like to post a comment, wouldn’t you?

Do you have what it takes to be a society aunty?

Do you make snide comments about other people's diamond rings?

Aunties are the essential thread that holds the delicate fabric of Pakistani society together. In fact, it’s quite surprising that a proportion of our country’s defence budget isn’t allocated towards the Aunty Brigade.

‘Society Aunties’ are the crème-de-la-crème of the Aunty Brigade. Deceptively formidable, they are armed with snubs, icy stares and an ammunition of feline comments. Beautifully groomed, dazzlingly arrayed, and possessing razor-sharp social finesse ‘Society Aunties’ reign drawing rooms, ballrooms, and fashionable weddings. Just don’t make the mistake of addressing them as ‘Aunty’ especially when they appear 39 and Botoxed while their classmates are getting hip replacements.

Have you ever wondered if you have the potential to queen it as a future ‘Society Aunty’. Let’s find out!

1) Your favorite type of girly hangout is:

A  Having coffee with your BFFs

B  Hitting the hottest new restaurants in town

C  Attending ‘committee’ teas and lunches decked out in your finery

2) When you come across vague acquaintances, you are likely to:

A  Say hello and re-introduce yourself

B  Smile politely even if you don’t remember their names

C  Scrutinize their coiffures down to their pedicures and pretend not to recognize them until someone introduces you

3) Your main topics of conversation are:

A  Society gossip

B  Your maids, shopping and your in-laws

C  Both A and B, along with the As and Bs of everyone in town

4) Your hair is:

A  Cut in the style of the season

B  Layered down to your waistline

C  Very, very blonde

5) To lunch, you carry:

A  Either a Marc Jacobs crossbody bag or a Stella McCartney in faux leather

B  A red Valentino with oversized roses or a Jimmy Choo clutch

C  You can’t decide between a classic padded Chanel, a regal Hermes, or a metallic Versace

6) When you enter a society event, you automatically:

A  Head straight for the dance floor or wherever the limelight is

B  Start mingling with the crowd while you look for your friends and acquaintances

C  Find yourself a strategic area to queen over for the rest of the evening, best for people-watching and snide remarks

7) Your ideal holiday is:

A  A secluded beach or cultural hub like Prague where you aren’t likely to run into half of Pakistani society, together with a novel and theatre tickets

B  Dubai or anywhere with adequate shopping where your maid is guaranteed a visa. You upload Facebook albums for those feel-good gushing compliments from all your friends

C  A flat in Knightsbridge and invitations to all the Indo-Pak high society events in London—a holiday isn’t a holiday if you can’t see and be seen by the people who matter including desi paparazzi

8) At weddings, you wear:

A  A colourful outfit by an emerging designer that you bought off-the-rack in floaty chiffon with dangly gem-stone earrings and a pouch

B  An embroidered 1-lakh designer sari with a sparkly blouse, your essential diamond choker and a metallic clutch

C  A Swarovski-encrusted 3-lakh couture outfit with 5” python heels accompanied by a Judith Lieber jewel of a handbag and your 5-carat diamond ring, kundan necklace and diamond watch

9) The man in your life is:

A  Your GBF (gay best friend)—you and he have been each other’s society escorts for ever and you both complain about the lack of nice guys in town

B  Your uncle-type husband—whom you’ve been married to for so long that he keeps getting older while you keep getting ‘younger’

C  Your darling, darling son—no girl will ever be good enough for him, except for you

10) The movie character you relate best to is:

A  A woman waiting hopelessly for Mr. Right to commit; think any character in He’s Just Not That Into You

B  A competitive Bridezilla obsessed with having the perfect wedding: think Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson in Bride Wars

C  A mother whose son is marrying below his social status: portrayed by Jane Fonda in Monster In-Law

Aunty-o-meter Mostly As: Very Low Aunty Potential Young At Heart! You are totally oblivious of the Aunty set and particularly contemptuous of its members who are the same age as you. You not only look, but also act, far younger than your age. Your attitude and facial expressions, even your waistline, have remained the same since you were a teenager, and you find yourself often able to relate to your children’s generation better than your own. You appear carefree and have an innate sense of fun. You might need to dignify your wardrobe a tad bit though—stop raiding your daughter’s closet and buy a few classics, and try to stop depending on your kids to provide you with a social life. Mostly Bs: Moderate Aunty Potential Classic Sophisticate! You lie between the fringes of the Aunty set and the young-at-hearts and can fraternize with both. Yet, you feel most at ease with other moderates, as you get envious of the young-at-hearts for getting away with so much, and find it challenging to be completely at ease with the Aunty set. You alter your style and behaviour with your surroundings so you are not always what you appear to be; learn your true self before you perfect the art of artifice and actually become ‘fake.’ Mostly Cs: Aunty Alert Society Aunty! Congratulations, you have the makings of a bonafide Aunty! You are often mistaken for being older than your age even if you are still young and slim because of the imperialistic Aunty aura you give off. You command instant respect and fear in the hearts of your domestic ‘slaves,’ shopkeepers, and society in general, as well as your husband, in-laws or daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws. Society aspirants try to get on your good side and you relish your power and the devoted air-kisses it brings you. http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/3128/do-you-have-what-it-takes-to-be-a-society-aunty/