SPOOF: TimeOut Pakistan

LightsOut

Pakistan

Your guide to what's happening in the most exciting cities on the planet

(Note: this is a satiric depiction spoofing a fictitious TimeOut guide to Pakistan. Content is meant for entertainment purposes only).

TOURS

·      The Wonders of 21^st century Pakistan is a new tour designed for visitors who want more authenticity in their visits. Highlights: photo ops at famous terrorism sites around the country.

WORKSHOPS

·      Sizes Gym offers a Go Ninja special; learn martial arts moves while wearing a niqab in 120 degree heat without airconditioning. Guaranteed to sweat off several kilos per session.

·      SLUM offers an Executive MBA Program in ‘Red Tape Wheeling & Dealing’ with courses including ‘How to get things done: from a telephone complaint to registering an FIR and running for an election.’

·      SMEDA Career Choices for Housewives 101 this month features the Darzi to Designer workshop, addressing the logistics of poaching tailors, getting your name recognized as a couture fashion house, and launching the country’s Fashion Week in smaller cities like Gwadar and Sargodha.

NIGHTLIFE

·      The new bulletproof dome at Husni Mubarak Stadium (the recently renamed Qaddafi stadium) promises bigger and better will host Lahore’s upcoming black tie events, including the previously banned Basant night with a backdrop of inflatable kites and a dancefloor that covers the stadium green.

·      A new cricket-themed Blahria Casino is being planned at Blahria Town that will offer bets and match fixing auctions in addition to poker and slot machines.

·      Pakistan’s bootleggers offer an authentic Prohibition-era experience to make clients feel part of a mafia movie set in 1930s Chicago.

HOTELS

·      The Far Seasons Hotel Lahore offers a 360-degree holographic view of Fashion TV on its lobby walls for all the mustachioed voluminous white shawlar kameez wearing lounge lizards.

·      Karachi’s Luxury French Shoe Beach Resort has a new shipload of surplus gray cement to add to its pristine dunes next to the scenic, oily waves of the ocean.

EVENTS

·      Rayal Asscut Horse Racing at the Lahore Race Club in Koth Lakhpat shows Lahore racing culture at it’s finest. Visitors at the all-male venue may place bets and are encouraged to wear large, festive pagris in the colours of QEII’s Ascot hats.

LEISURE/GAMING

·      If you’ve ever played Spot the ‘ho at Dubai hotel lobbies, you can play Spot the fundo in Pakistan. Hint: some of the bearded guys are harmless, while some clean-shaven corporate types have hidden inner ‘daaris.’

HEALTH

·      Visit local medics who employ kala jadoo, a holistic process involving eggs, hair strands and green chillies. The process is currently being followed at leading psychiatric hospitals worldwide to treat what was once considered as schizophrenia and is now called ‘buri nazar.’

SPOOF: Lonely Planet's Pakistan Travel Guide

sad planet

Presents

Pakistan Travel Guide

“The Most Exciting Country In The World”--Newsweak

Written by clueless boho backpackers

(Note: This is a satiric depiction spoofing Lonely Planet’s guide to Pakistan. Content is fictitious and meant for entertainment purposes only).

Pakistan is an intoxicating mix of contradictory elements, wonderful double standards and razor sharp narrow mindedness blended with ostentatious liberalism, from its feudal roots to its populous cities, amid a backdrop of delightful traditions. Whether you get on a rollicking mini-bus or wagon ride hanging for dear life whilst taking in the dubious essence of your fellow commuters, or commute the lethargic Pakistani way by hiring a non-uniformed driver who doesn’t show up on time and has to attend family weddings and funerals on a weekly basis, do not miss this opportunity to experience the land of gassy buffaloes, wild marijuana, electricity that comes and goes faster than a disco strobe, and wonderfully hospitable people who pretend they haven’t met you the next day.

·      50 detailed and easy-to-use maps provided by the Eye S Eye that include the entire Indian province of Kashmir as part of Pakistan

·      Bonus activities chapter details the best khokas for experiencing tempting, food-poisoning-is-worth-it roadside snacks, the water sport festival at Lahore’s canal bank and D.I.Y. mehndi dance choreography to impress your friends back home

·      Full-colour sections of Pakistan’s highlights and best nightlife including a guide to which parties to crash

·      Special section on Pakistan’s biggest society events that require metal detectors

·      Tips for finding the best accommodation for people watching in Pakistan