Life Is Plastic...In A Barbie World

http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/7828/life-is-plastic-in-a-barbie-world/

Life Is Plastic…In A Barbie World

Laaaleen Khan

Half the fun in flipping through celebrity tabloids and society magazines lies in speculating who’s had ‘work’ done. Although plastic surgeons ethically oughtn’t to operate on patients with surgical addictions or Body Dysmorphic Disorder, the following results demonstrate otherwise:

Overt Barbie-ism: Lips, nose and bust combo package.

Megan Fox, actress, is ‘foxier’ after having surgical procedures that have taken her to the pinnacle of Hollywood beauty standards.

Lindsay Lohan, controversial actress, looks about the same age group as her mother, Dina.

Katie Price, British reality TV star, is as ‘real’ as a drag queen.

Preity Zinta, Bollywood actress, is decidedly ‘pretty’ after all the work she’s had done.

Botox Freeze: A perpetually surprised expression and slight smile accompanied by a shiny, crease-free forehead.

Marcia Cross, of “Desperate Housewives” fame, manages to act without the need of facial expression.

Anna Wintour, the intimidating editor of American “Vogue,” somehow appears to be smiling all day.

Nadia Hussain, model, is one among many Pakistani women (and men) prematurely turning to Botox.

Shane Warne, Aussie cricketer, traded his sun-damaged complexion for a wrinkle-free, shaped eyebrows look when he started seeing Elizabeth Hurley.

Fish Lips: Dramatic lip augmentation and collagen injections have transformed these thin-lipped ladies into pouty blowfish.

Meg Ryan, Hollywood’s “Sleepless In Seattle” sweetheart who ditched her cutesy pie image for a taut-skinned, pouty look.

Lisa Rhinna, TV actress married to Harry Hamlin, has lips big enough to, well, play a trombone with.

Melanie Griffith, starlet married to Antonio Banderas with a history of cosmetic surgeries.

Elizabeth Hurley, who went from the small mouthed, bushy browed girlfriend of Hugh Grant to a voluptuous style icon with generous lips and cleavage.

Kangana Ranaut, just one of the many Bollywood actresses who’s image has gone from lean and mean to over-sexed.

Alleged Butt Implants: A common procedure in Brazil where thongs are popularly worn on the beach, booty enhancements are growing increasingly popular worldwide.

Shilpa Shetty Kundra, Bollywood actress and former “Big Brother UK” winner, allegedly upgraded her bottom after completing facial and breast procedures.

Nicole Austin aka Coco, adult glamour model married to Ice-T, claims that she was born with her gargantuan rear end.

Kimberly Kardashian Humphries, reality show queen, recently provided an X-ray on “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” to prove that her massive derriere was all-natural.

Nose Jobs that Collapsed: These candidates have had more than their share of rhinoplasties, judging from their collapsed nose bridges.

LaToya Jackson, Michael’s sister who shares a familial love of cosmetic surgery.

Kimberly Jones aka Lil’ Kim, petite rapper with a daring sense of style, is a ‘lil’ too fond of the surgeon’s scalpel.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, British socialite, also owes her damaged nose to excessive cocaine snorting.

Strangest Breast Implants: These globular protrusions from size double-zero ribcages are a sheer marvel of gravity.

Tori Spelling, former “Beverly Hills 90210” star, enjoys his-and-hers cosmetic enhancement procedures with her husband, Dylan McDermott.

Victoria Beckham, former Spice Girl and David’s wife, went from a 34 A to a 34 D, then wisely reduced it to 34 B.

Tara Reid, “American Pie” actress, upgraded her look with cleavage and simultaneously downgraded her acting career.

Dramatic Eyelid Work: Eyes may be the windows to a person’s soul, particularly when they’ve had eyelid lifts and blepharoplasties.

Catherine Zeta Jones, Oscar-winning Welsh actress in Hollywood, went from a “Darling Bud(s) of May” (her UK TV show) to a sultry-eyed glamazon.

Paris Hilton, American socialite, was left with one squinty eye after her eye work in Brazil went literally awry and left her with a naughty expression.

Most Obvious Cheek Implants: After facelifts became passé and fuller cheeks became synonymous with youth, often to the extent of being mistaken for Chip & Dale.

Priscilla Presley, Elvis’ widow, has features that have been ‘all shook up’ by plastic surgeries.

Urmila Matondkar, Bollywood actress, had a surgical makeover that included very full cheeks.

Phoebe Price, professional paparazzi poser, has virtual éclairs in her cheeks.

Perpetually Arched Eyebrows, Chiseled Face: A possible combination of eyebrow lifts, Restylane injections, tooth veneers and lip augmentation may result in a dramatically sculpted makeover.

The Minogues—Kylie and Dannii, Australian pop singers, still look like sisters in their identical cosmetic procedures.

Hilary Duff, actress, eschewed her slightly hefty “Lizzie McGuire” tweeny build for a more angular Hollywood look.

Scariest: These take the cake—no description required!

Jocelyn Wildenstein aka Catwoman, American socialite, has spent millions on her infatuation with plastics.

La Duquesa De Alba, Spanish aristocrat, recently gave up her personal fortune to marry her comparatively young beau despite her fondness for expensive surgical enhancements.

Mickey Rourke, Oscar winning actor, went from “9 ½ Weeks” suave to a villain in “Iron Man 2” for a reason.

The entire Stallone family—Sylvester, his mother Jackie, his ex-wife Brigitte Nielsen—deserve a family discount for all the work they’ve had done.

Nicole Kidman, Oscar winning Aussie in Hollywood, went from a pinched look and curly locks to the creepy, robotic-expression blonde she depicted in “Stepford Wives.”

Donatella Versace, Gianni’s sister who heads the Versace brand grows more blonde, tanned and pouty by year.

Lara Flynn Boyle, slender actress from “The Practice,” can barely hold up her now-hefty lips that go with her crease-free forehead.

Hunter Tylo, soap star, is “(The) Bold and (the) Beautiful” no more.

Joan Rivers, E! host, is virtually unrecognizable from the photos of her youth.

Dolly Parton, country western star, has had repeated back injuries because of pressure from her massively enhanced chest.

Demi Moore, Hollywood and Twitter star, may soon start looking younger than her daughters Rumer, Scout and Tallulah.

Cher, Grammy winning singer “believes in life after”…plastic surgery (not “love”).

Heidi Montag, reality TV personality, changed her looks from a typical Californian girl to a typical Californian bimbo.

Nadya Suleman aka Octomom, reality TV star, could play Angelina in a low budget movie with her eerily copycat-Jolie features.

Sneakiest Procedures: One might never have guessed, but they’ve been at it too.

Narrowed noses: Angelina Jolie, Sandra Bullock, Scarlett Johanssen, Gisele Bundchen, Kate Moss, Blake Lively, Jennifer Aniston, Natalie Portman, Halle Berry, Cameron Diaz, Salma Hayek, Kate Hudson, Tyra Banks, Zac Efron, Shia Lebeof, Hadiqa Kiyani, Stacy Ann Ferguson aka Fergie of Black Eyed Peas.

Hooks removed from nose tips: Patrick Dempsey, Ryan Gosling, Calista Flockhart.

Ears pinned back: Brad Pitt.

SPOOF: TimeOut Pakistan

LightsOut

Pakistan

Your guide to what's happening in the most exciting cities on the planet

(Note: this is a satiric depiction spoofing a fictitious TimeOut guide to Pakistan. Content is meant for entertainment purposes only).

TOURS

·      The Wonders of 21^st century Pakistan is a new tour designed for visitors who want more authenticity in their visits. Highlights: photo ops at famous terrorism sites around the country.

WORKSHOPS

·      Sizes Gym offers a Go Ninja special; learn martial arts moves while wearing a niqab in 120 degree heat without airconditioning. Guaranteed to sweat off several kilos per session.

·      SLUM offers an Executive MBA Program in ‘Red Tape Wheeling & Dealing’ with courses including ‘How to get things done: from a telephone complaint to registering an FIR and running for an election.’

·      SMEDA Career Choices for Housewives 101 this month features the Darzi to Designer workshop, addressing the logistics of poaching tailors, getting your name recognized as a couture fashion house, and launching the country’s Fashion Week in smaller cities like Gwadar and Sargodha.

NIGHTLIFE

·      The new bulletproof dome at Husni Mubarak Stadium (the recently renamed Qaddafi stadium) promises bigger and better will host Lahore’s upcoming black tie events, including the previously banned Basant night with a backdrop of inflatable kites and a dancefloor that covers the stadium green.

·      A new cricket-themed Blahria Casino is being planned at Blahria Town that will offer bets and match fixing auctions in addition to poker and slot machines.

·      Pakistan’s bootleggers offer an authentic Prohibition-era experience to make clients feel part of a mafia movie set in 1930s Chicago.

HOTELS

·      The Far Seasons Hotel Lahore offers a 360-degree holographic view of Fashion TV on its lobby walls for all the mustachioed voluminous white shawlar kameez wearing lounge lizards.

·      Karachi’s Luxury French Shoe Beach Resort has a new shipload of surplus gray cement to add to its pristine dunes next to the scenic, oily waves of the ocean.

EVENTS

·      Rayal Asscut Horse Racing at the Lahore Race Club in Koth Lakhpat shows Lahore racing culture at it’s finest. Visitors at the all-male venue may place bets and are encouraged to wear large, festive pagris in the colours of QEII’s Ascot hats.

LEISURE/GAMING

·      If you’ve ever played Spot the ‘ho at Dubai hotel lobbies, you can play Spot the fundo in Pakistan. Hint: some of the bearded guys are harmless, while some clean-shaven corporate types have hidden inner ‘daaris.’

HEALTH

·      Visit local medics who employ kala jadoo, a holistic process involving eggs, hair strands and green chillies. The process is currently being followed at leading psychiatric hospitals worldwide to treat what was once considered as schizophrenia and is now called ‘buri nazar.’

Book Review & Interview: 'Beautiful From This Angle' (Maha Khan Phillips, Penguin India 2010)

(Published in Paper magazine, May 2011)
Satire and the City

Beautiful From This Angle (Penguin Books India, 2010) is a novel about three young women who have been friends since childhood—Amynah, Mumtaz and Henna—and who really couldn’t be any more different from one another. Settings range from Karachi high society parties to rural Sindh.

Khan Phillips ingeniously demonstrates the great divide within the ‘haves’ of Pakistani society in her novel. In one scene, protagonist Amynah argues with her Dubai-raised boyfriend, Kamal; she doesn’t want to invite his financiers to a society event—

‘But Kamal, they were so…well, uncultured.’

‘Just because they were wearing shalwar kameezes at a party where everyone was too cool for that…’

‘It’s not that, and you know it. But did you see the way they were staring at the women? They acted like they were in a brothel. And they didn’t make conversation with anyone. It was weird...’

‘It’s not that simple. These guys have connections in the government…This is how it works in Pakistan.’

‘Well, they were ogling at me like I was a prostitute.’

‘That’s because half of them are from the MMA. They had left their wives at home in purdah and were enjoying a very sinful glass of whisky.’

(Condensed from page 103).

Khan Phillips also pokes fun at clichés created by writers from the western hemisphere, who exoticize the middle east to such an extent that it sounds medieval, barbaric and invariably ridiculous:

These are the books whose covers always show pictures of women in burkas looking vulnerable and oppressed, with blazing, haunted eyes, and that are so avidly read and published in the west.

Amynah is writing an I’m-oppressed novel of her own, so she has highlighted certain sentences that appear in all the books. Some of the most frequent ones (with various phrasings) are:

            It was then that I realized that my husband was a monster.

            It was then that I realized that I had married a man I didn’t even know.

            I had no rights; I was at the mercy of Islam.

            Islam bound me; Islam kept me in captivity.

            My son was lost to me.

            My daughter was lost to me.

            My dog Fifi was lost to me. (This was from Amynah’s book).

            (An extract from page 24).

Through its wry comic-drama, Beautiful From This Angle takes readers on a journey through social hypocrisy, excess, competitiveness, frustration, corruption, abuse, friendship and love, with Khan

Phillips’ warmth, wit and a touch of nostalgia. 

Maha, I applaud you on your refreshingly entertaining, thought-provoking fearlessness. Did you intend to break the stereotypical South Asian mould created by wannabe-God-of-Small Things writers?

Yes! Breaking the stereotypical mould of wanna be types!

No seriously, the truth is that if I could write with the elegance of Arundhati Roy I would be thrilled, and would probably be trying to be a different kind of writer. But I don’t have that level of talent, and even if I did, it’s not something that interests me. You can’t really pretend to be something you’re not. For years, I let that fact stop me from writing anything. I thought that, if you came from Pakistan, you had to write a certain way, because that was just what one did. I love those books, I just don’t write them. It’s so refreshing, in my mind anyway, to see the stuff that is coming out of Pakistan (or Pakistani writers, the two terms aren’t synonymous) at the moment.

Do any of your characters’ experiences in BFTA mirror your own while growing up in, or visiting Pakistan?

Well, my family does have a farm close to Rahim Yar Khan, so I did draw from elements of that. We spend every winter on the farm, the whole family gets together from different cities and parts of the world, and I love being there. And of course, you can’t grow up in Karachi without experiencing some sort of social scene, but I have to say, it was never as extreme as my characters’ experiences!

Even several of your minor characters remind one of actual people in Karachi and Lahore; were they heavily inspired by real-life people or is this purely coincidental?

This is one of those things that always amazes me. People tell me that I drew from this person, or that person, and often, I don’t even know the person they are referring to. Of course one hears stories and sees things and takes bits and pieces and quirkiness from what’s happening around, but that’s as far as it goes! So please don’t tell me that Mumtaz is actually based on your second cousin’s aunt’s nephew’s best friend, I really can’t handle it!

How about the lead character Amynah Farooqui; addictions aside; she’s a natural novelist and sardonic to boot; she’s 5’11” and you’re very tall yourself – most Pakistani girls, particularly from Karachi, aren’t extremely tall. Are parts of her a conscious or unconscious reflection of yourself?

I think you must be thinking of my sister, Tia, who is indeed an Amazonian goddess. I am only 5’7! Nothing conscious, but I can’t vouch for the unconscious!

One of the main things that struck me is how you got away with writing candidly about sex and freely using four-letter words (f***, coke, etc). Does it help to write as a married woman and that too, an expat with a European husband? Do you think you would have been able to write BFTA if you’d been a single girl living in Karachi or married to a typical desi guy obsessed with what people think?

Listen, when you’re in the middle of a book reading and you’re saying the word f*** and then you see your grandmother smiling from the front row, it’s all semantics, really. I wrote the book, and didn’t really think about the implications. My family is proud and traumatised in equal measure! And for the record, I would never have married anyone who was obsessed about what other people think! I do think though, more than marital status or location, it comes down to maturity and family. I would never have had the confidence to write this book if I was in my twenties, say. And I really am blessed to come from a family of creative types – on both sides. Artists, writers, puppeteers! (Well, my brother Fahad is a boring banker but we forgive him because we know that he would be making films or something, in another life!) And almost all the women in my family have managed to turn their creativity into something commercially viable, which I always find extraordinary. When you have that kind of love and support from family who let you loose to try your own things, you’re pretty lucky.

How long did you have the concept of this novel brewing in your head? Did you note it down instantly or was it one of the things that took years to develop into a project?

The idea came quite quickly, in a matter of minutes. (I was under pressure, I had to tell the head of my course what I would be writing about, and so I sat in a cafe and drank a coke and scribbled this idea down) But it was re-written several times, and changed each time. Without giving too much away, characters that survive in the book didn’t, the first time around. And there was an FBI agent, who didn’t make the final editorial cut. I really was fond of him...

The book mentions that this novel was written during a graduate level course at City University. How different is it writing as part of a course rather than writing it at your own pace.

For me, it was incredibly helpful, probably because I’m a journalist. I thrive on deadlines. I don’t think I would have written the book any other way. It would have lingered on and on...

What are the best and worst reactions you’ve had so far by readers/critics? Any threats yet?

There have been some really great positive reactions, and it’s been very gratifying. The criticism has been twofold, one that I used clichés (but from my point of view, that was the point because it was necessary for the satire and because I was looking at the media and how it latches on to stereotypes) and second, that Pakistanis shouldn’t be writing these kinds of books because they reflect badly on the country. I don’t buy into that. I really don’t. Writers are always writers first, and if you’re going to write then you should write the story that you want to tell.

You have a background in financial journalism, published children’s book before BFTA, and are reportedly writing a thriller next. What’s your main reason for leaping from one genre to the next?

It’s because first and foremost, I’m writing for fun. It’s not my bread and butter, which is the journalism. I’m writing because I love writing, and I want to play around with different things that interest me. Why pigeon hole myself? I’ve always wanted to write a thriller. I may or may not get there (it’s difficult, with a young child and a full time job, etc) but why not try? And one based in Pakistan – imagine the possibilities! I’m also part of the way through a second children’s book. The first featured my nephews, Saif and Taimur, as the main characters. Now my own son Rohan is a little older and more interesting, and my other nephew, Azlan, is around. I quite like the idea of writing stories about them, and for them. Something to embarrass them all when they are older!

How much do people want to read about Pakistani society from our relatively privileged perspectives rather than the romanticized ‘Behind The Veil’-type horrors that you satirized in BFTA? Will this help create a whole new audience?

I think one of the saddest things is the fact that authors writing in Urdu don’t get translated into English more, because that would really be interesting for the world (and for me, because my ability to read Urdu is appalling, I’m ashamed to say). But I do think the audience for “Behind the Veil” type novels is not necessarily going to be the same audience as those who read “Beautiful from this Angle”.  I’m not sure it will do anything to the audience as they are probably completely different. It will be interesting when the book comes out in France though, to see how it does there, because, at least in my experience, that really is a culture that has bought into the “Behind the Veil” psyche. Women who wear hijab must be oppressed, don’t you know? 

The lack of major publishers and the complete absence of literary agents in Pakistan is another hurdle; what kind of advice would you offer to aspiring Pakistani writers with few contacts in the literary scene towards getting published, regionally and internationally?

It is tough, isn’t it? But, as much as some people don’t seem to like the idea, Indian publishers have provided great opportunities for Pakistani writers. And they all have contacts on their websites and people actually do read the stuff that comes in so, I would say, go for it. It’s always easier to get published when you already have an agent, as publishers see this as a filtering process whereby they don’t get alot of writing they aren’t interested in. So it’s absolutely worth trying to get an agent first.

What’s next on the cards--another book? A screen adaptation? Or a daring Urdu translation of BFTA?

How much fun would it be to have your novel turned into a movie! I would love that. But no offers yet... as I said earlier, for me, the writing has to take a backseat to a full time career and a young son, so while I really hope to finish my thriller, I’m not putting myself under any pressure to do it any time soon.

Are You A Playa? QUIZ

Are you a player?

http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/3321/are-you-a-player/

Men who remain commitment-phobic for too long and have a relatively high success rate with women often continue bachelor lifestyles (whether married or not!) into their middle and even twilight years.

With the right amount of energy, money, and zest for life, today’s desi ‘cheap-mions’ can become the Hugh Hefners of tomorrow. If you think you are destined to stay forever ‘young’ while dressed in a brocade robe, answer the following questions and see where you rate on the playboy scale:

1) Exes from your younger days are now the mothers of:

A  Babies

B  Teenagers

C  Grown men and women

2) Your pick-up line on women is:

A  Babe, you’re smokkkin’

B  Babyyy, you’re sooo hot

C  Beebee you are gaargeous

3) The music you play in your car when you’re driving a bevy of beauties to a party:

A  Euro pop

B  80s remixes

C  The Bee Gees

4) The music playing in your car when it’s just you and your driver:

A  Bollywood remixes

B  Qawalis

C  Ghazals

5) The biggest insult you ever received in your life was:

A  “Are you ‘a’ gay?”

B  “Excuse me, uncle.”

C  “Aap to buzurg hain.”

6) The closest you ever got to marriage was when:

A  You got engaged to your cousin without telling your girlfriend(s)

B  Your family proposed to the daughter of a family friend while you were away in college living with your blonde girlfriend

C  You sent a rishta to a girl that you’d been following around for years and, when you finally got the chance to speak to her on the day of your haan, realized you didn’t like her teeth

7) When online, you tend to frequent:

A  Facebook where you are listed as “interested in women” and have tried to add 1,800 friends of friends’ friends that you’ve never met

B  Your male friends’ lame forwarded jokes/porn

C  Nothing—you refuse to wear your reading glasses

8) The last thing you did to your hair was:

A  Spike, tease, and infuse it with several metrosexual hair products

B  A not-too-subtle hair weave

C  Blow-drying your long tresses over your bald spots ala Donald Trump

9) Your all-time favourite cellphone ringtone is:

A  P.I.M.P. (50 Cent)

B  Highway to the Danger Zone (Top Gun)

C  Forever Young (the original version)

10) You claim that the movie character you relate to best is:

A  Sonny Corleone (James Caan in The Godfather)

B  Michael Corleone (Al Pacino in The Godfather)

C  Don Corleone (Marlon Brando in The Godfather)

11) But the character you secretly empathize with is portrayed by:

A  Chris Kattan in A Night at the Roxbury

B  Jack Black in Shallow Hal

C  Steve Martin in Father of the Bride

THE PLAYBOY SCALE Mostly As: Pimpin’ Playa! You’re quite a player with the ladies and adept at juggling different women from different cities. You are proud of your little black book, now worn at the edges. You try to appear mature to older women so that they take you seriously, not realizing that you’re just a boy toy for them. Girls from your own age group are often too predictable for your adventurous spirit as you get bored easily and don’t want to commit. Women of all ages appreciate your effortless charm, your full head of hair, and your relatively flat stomach. You love your partying ways too much to settle down unless your family actually forces you to get rehab. Mostly Bs: Ageing Playboy! You have already gone through, or are currently experiencing, a midlife crisis, so chances are that you replace your flashy car with newer and flashier models whenever you can afford it, not to mention younger and flashier female models on your arm whenever you can afford them. Your younger lady friends snidely refer to you as ‘Uncle’ when you’re not around. Once amongst the most eligible bachelors in society, the only twenty-somethings interested in you now have more of an eye for your fiscal worth rather than your physical worth. You don’t look twice at women your own age or even ten years younger as they are ‘not your type.’ Mostly Cs: Geriatric Casanova! You are now partying with your grandchildren’s generation and gyrating those replaced hips better than many younger men on the dance floor. You continue to attract attention among women, whom you claim have been throwing themselves at you for these last fifty years. It must be the fascinating stories that you repeatedly tell them that they keep coming back to hear. Your decadence has caught up with you but you refuse to become a decrepit old man and instead opt to be an evergreen Lothario with jet black hair. If you’ve lasted this long on the scene, there must be something truly special about you.